SEO Post

(Words: 1,100; Read time: 5-10 min.)

Search Engine Optimization is the key to gathering views and thus frequent viewers. They–the people of the internet—are of the opinion that one should not just shamelessly sell out to acquire page views but instead attempt to claim the attentions of those whose attentions one seeks. Avid readers for a writing website. Motorheads for a car site. These sorts of correlations. I think such simplicity is uninspired.

And as a person of neither fame nor acclaim, I care not where your eyes come from—only that I have them. In other words, though more blunt and self-deprecating, I am shameless. Below is a comprehensive answer guide to some of the most frequently asked questions this world has to offer. In my twenty-five years of existence I have learned some things. It will be this slowly accrued knowledge which provides the basis for these answers.

  • Do girls poop?

The Answer:

Yes. It is unfortunate and likely your world is crushed right now, earth falling away beneath your feet as you fall deeper and deeper into this widening chasm, like recently imbibed food traveling down the labyrinthine that are the bowels. I am sorry to be the one who breaks to you this news. My deepest condolences.

Still don’t believe me? Here:

See…that is Erin Andrews, and she by all accounts is a female, a pretty good looking one, too, who happens to be talking about probiotics—stuff designed to aid in food digestion. Once food is digested, it must leave. If it doesn’t, then there are much bigger problems.

Besides, I am pretty sure female movements are odorless and they occur at the same rate that travellers witness Big Foot. Again, not a fact, but something I think is most certainly the case.

Again, sorry to tell you this.

  • Is IT big? Am I big?

The ambiguity here is meant to imply sexual innuendo, and the search engine knows this, no doubt.

The Answer:

Do you drive a lifted turbo-diesel with mud tires on it and still your precious (LOTR—Shameless Plug) doesn’t wander off paved roads? If so, then probably not. I would imagine you are in ownership of something rather dainty.

Having said that, function trumps form any day of the week, unlike the vehicle in question.

Rock Climbing Machine
Rock Climbing Machine

If you happen to be a female that drives one of said vehicles, then I just have zero idea what to make of you. The female operators of these misguided machines are an enigma–I’ve seen them before. My guess would be that something bizarre is happening below, the profundity of which could qualify for some long-titled special on TLC.

Big Trucks, Weird F*cks.

That could work.

  • What is Twerking?

The Answer:

I honestly don’t know. Some juvenile form of sexual communication that appears to mimic a hippo rising and falling. Go to a local zoo, then to some exotic club with more girls than garments of clothes, and you will witness the shocking similarities of these two actions. Drink a cranberry juice with ice so you feel good about your urinary tract and data log the commonalities. Report them back to me. With enough participants and a large enough sample size we can publish it in a sociological journal, perhaps even a medical journal if we are feeling ambitious (see Star Wars post below on ambition; #6). That should pay us well.

Bass, No Treble
Bass, No Treble
  • What happens when I die?

I’m going to try and outrun it. I suggest you do the same.

The Answer:

No conversation on the metaphysics of it all will suffice. The real answer is no one knows, and perhaps that is why it is so frightening. We don’t like living in a world without answers. So how do you like my answer to this question?

  • Do Girls like shy guys?

The Answer:

I have not found that to be the case.

  • Will the new Star Wars be good? Star Wars: The Force Awakens, Directed by JJ Abrams (Plug)

The Answer:

If you go in with low enough expectations, anything can be good. I will impart some pessimistic advice on you. Don’t be like all those self-help people and set high goals for yourself. Those are hard to achieve. I recommend setting modest goals, the results of which may prove less than inspiring, but think of all that you will accomplish! Get up out of bed: check. Eat Breakfast: check. Things like that. I thrive off low expectations, and I think you can too!

Don't aim your ambition there. It is bound to diminish.
Don’t aim your ambition there. It is bound to diminish.
  • Do people who drive sports cars have small penises?

The Answer:

Preposterous to think that.

  • Do you drive a sports car?

The Answer:

So? What of it?

  • Is PS4 better than Xbox One?

The Answer:

Yeah. It has better guts. Sexy guts.

  • How do I kill someone?

This IS a frequently asked question.

The Answer:

What you will need:

Medical gloves. Blue to look cool. White if you want to look clinical, as though you are a practiced killer—the serial killer type. If you are hardcore then I recommend you shave off your fingerprints with a razor blade like Kevin Spacey. This will up the sinister factor of it all.

A bountiful array to suit your killing needs!
A bountiful array to suit your killing needs!

A guiltless conscious. I have a shameless one, so I am close.

A person to terminate!

Motives are helpful.

Dissociative and psychotic tendencies help.

Partners are optional, but it is always best to practice safe methods and have a spotter, like a buddy in the weight room.

The Method:

Tell them to hold some rocks and jump in the river. Boom. Forced Suicide. You get off somewhat easy. They always had a choice… The catch is that you have to appear intimidating enough for them to realize that jumping in the water with rocks is better than staying on shore with you. Since you are a murdering lunatic, I think you should have this covered.

How to get away with it:

A good lawyer.

Remember those blue gloves? Make sure you wear those in the court room so when they force you try something on, it can’t fit. Pro-tip: cover your whole body in latex for adequate protection–she doesn’t like it, you won’t like it, but you will be protected.


The Lawyer’s daughters will be famous and you will be free. One will be a Porn Star but will not be recognized as one. A model. A spokesperson. A figurehead for female teens growing up, these will be her titles. Seems like a great surreal dream, but I assure you dreams can come true!

Success! You’ve gotten away with murder!

  • Did you take this SEO post seriously? Do you think it will help?

The Answer:

I tried to.

And possibly.

Blogging is hard work…


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